Breaking Agreements with Shame
Introduction
The Unseen Agreements That Still Hold Us
There are words we hear as girls that we don’t realize we’re still living under as women.
Maybe it was something said out loud, “Don’t outshine your brother,” or “You’re too sensitive.” Maybe it wasn’t said at all, just felt… the weight of being “too much” or “not enough” at the same time. We learn early on how to be accepted, how to stay small, how to make others comfortable. And somewhere along the way, we agree, this must be who I am.
We don’t always notice these hidden vows. They settle into our nervous system, our habits, even our posture. We say things like “I’ve always been this way” without realizing that “this way” was shaped by shame, not by truth.
Shame doesn’t always shout. Sometimes, it whispers: Don’t take up space. Don’t be too confident. Don’t speak too loudly. Don’t age out of beauty. Don’t be too free. And we agree not with our mouths, but with our lives. We hold back. We apologize for our needs. We shrink, physically and emotionally. We over-function or over-give just to feel worthy.
But what if those were never agreements we were meant to make?
This space, Glow Deeper, isn’t about doing more or fixing yourself. It’s about going inward, gently, and asking: Is this belief really mine? Or did I inherit it from someone else’s pain? What we discover can change everything from how we see our bodies to how we walk in our calling.
It’s time to break the agreement.
Did you know
“Shame says, ‘You are not enough.’
Grace whispers, ‘You are already loved.’”
The Subtle Vows We Didn’t Know We Made
Shame doesn’t always come wrapped in trauma. Sometimes it arrives in the form of praise with conditions. A parent who was proud of you, as long as you didn’t make waves. A church that welcomed you, as long as you stayed quiet. A friendship that celebrated your light, until it became too bright.
And somewhere along the way, we start making unspoken vows to protect ourselves.
I won’t speak up if it causes tension.
I’ll stay small so I’m not seen as prideful.
I won’t be too happy or too healthy it might make someone else feel bad.
I’ll keep serving, even when I’m depleted. That’s what good women do.
These are the kinds of inner agreements that shape how we show up in the world. And they don’t just affect our relationships they affect our bodies. We carry the weight of silence in our posture, the pressure to perform in our digestion, the fear of being “too much” in our hormones.
But here’s the truth: God never asked us to make those vows.
Those were survival strategies, not soul assignments.
When we begin to identify the lies we’ve agreed to, we open the door for healing. Because you weren’t created to live in the shadow of someone else’s comfort you were created to shine with the light He placed in you.
“We don’t realize how many promises we’ve made to fear until God invites us to live free and we feel resistance. That’s where the healing begins.”
Debbie, Glow Beyond Fifty
My Own Breaking Point
I didn’t know I had made these kinds of agreements either not until everything came to a head. For me, it wasn’t just about feeling unworthy. It was deeper. I had internalized the idea that it was somehow wrong to shine, to succeed, or to be seen… especially if it made others uncomfortable. That belief followed me into adulthood, into business, into ministry, and even into how I treated my body.
There was a moment, one I’ll never forget, when God showed me that the inheritance I thought was stolen from me (that I mentioned in my previous Glow Deeper blog) wasn’t just about money or family. It was about identity.
About the voice I had silenced for so long because I believed it would cost me love.
But here’s the thing: God never asked me to trade my light for peace. That wasn’t Him, that was fear. That was shame. And in that quiet, painful place, I saw it clearly:
I had agreed to be smaller than I was created to be.
That was the moment everything shifted. I started to untangle the words spoken over me, the silent vows I made, and the weight they left on my body and soul. I began to break the agreement.
And in doing so, I found something I didn’t expect: freedom doesn’t just feel lighter it looks brighter.
“The most dangerous lie is the one we never knew we believed.
But the most powerful healing comes when we finally name it and let it go.”
Debbie, Glow Deeper
How Shame Shows Up in the Body
We often think of shame as something emotional or spiritual, and it is. But it doesn’t stay in just one part of us. Shame moves in. It takes up residence in the body, whispering through inflammation, tension, fatigue, and even the way we hold ourselves when we walk into a room.
You might not name it as shame.
You might just call it tired, heavy, bloated, anxious, or stuck.
But underneath those symptoms, something deeper is often happening.
That knot in your stomach when you have to speak up? That’s not just nerves it’s the echo of being silenced.
The constant tension in your shoulders? It may be from carrying responsibility that was never yours to hold.
Weight you can’t seem to release? It might not be from food it could be from the invisible emotional weight you’ve been carrying for decades.
Hormonal chaos? Sometimes it’s not just perimenopause it’s stress, self-abandonment, and staying in survival mode too long.
Shame keeps the body in a low-grade fight-or-flight state. And when we’re living from that place always trying to stay safe, small, or accepted we lose touch with the very thing our bodies were designed for: peace.
But here’s the good news: your body keeps score, yes but it also keeps hope.
The moment you begin breaking agreement with shame, your body responds. Tension eases. Energy returns. Healing begins.
Because the body listens not just to what you eat or how you move but to what you believe.
Breaking the Agreement, Rewriting the Truth
The first step to healing is recognizing there was an agreement in the first place. Most of us didn’t sit down and say, “I choose to live in shame.” But over time, through wounds and repetition, we started to believe things that God never said.
So how do we break the agreement?
It begins with truth. And truth doesn’t yell it invites.
Start here, gently:
What am I still living under that God has already lifted?
Whose voice am I still obeying that doesn’t sound like Love?
What false vow did I make in order to be accepted, protected, or praised?
You might hear something rise up like:
“I’ll always be the one who gets overlooked.”
“I’m too old now to start over.”
“If I speak up, I’ll lose everything.”
Now it’s time to take those words captive. Not by forcing your way out but by replacing the lie with a deeper, quieter truth:
“I am seen by God even when others missed me.”
“It’s not too late. My age is not a limit it’s an anointing.”
“I can be bold and still be safe, because my security is in Him.”
This is how the agreement breaks when you disagree with the lie and say yes to the truth.
Write it down. Declare it out loud. Ask the Holy Spirit to renew your mind and restore your identity not the one the world handed you, but the one heaven has always known.
If you need a visual anchor, imagine physically crossing out that old vow and replacing it with the truth in your own handwriting.
“If it doesn’t sound like love, it’s not the voice of God.
Shame may have shaped you, but it never defined you.”
Debbie, Glow Beyond Fifty
You Are Not What Was Spoken Over You
Maybe someone once told you that you were too much.
Maybe you were made to feel invisible, or only accepted when you were performing.
Maybe love felt conditional. Or withheld. Or earned.
But none of that came from God.
His voice doesn’t control, manipulate, or shame.
It comforts. It convicts but never condemns. It invites you to remember who you really are:
Chosen. Seen. Loved. Free.
You are not the vow you made in fear.
You are not the lie you believed to stay safe.
You are not what was spoken over you in someone else’s pain.
You are a daughter of God, and your healing has already begun.
Today, if something stirred in you, let this be your moment to speak the truth back into your story. Break the agreement. Cross it out. Rewrite it. And let your body, your mind, and your spirit begin to glow in the freedom you were always meant to carry.
Conclusion: The Day I Broke the Agreement
I’ll never forget the night it all came to the surface the grief, the betrayal, the stolen inheritance, the words I never got to say. For so long, I believed I had to stay quiet, stay agreeable, stay small. I thought that was love. I thought that was faithfulness. But it was really fear dressed in obedience.
And then God whispered something that shattered me and set me free:
“That wasn’t just a loss. It was theft. But I will restore what was taken. Because your true inheritance… is Me.”
In that moment, the lie broke. Not all at once, but like a chain snapping one link at a time.
I had spent years trying not to shine too brightly. Trying not to upset the balance. Trying to earn a place I already had. And I didn’t realize until that night that I had made an agreement with shame. A vow to play small so others could feel big. A vow to stay behind the curtain. A vow to never claim the voice or calling God gave me.
But the agreement is broken now.
And that’s why I’m here writing these words to you. Not as someone who figured it all out, but as someone who finally stopped agreeing with the lie.
You can too.
Whatever vow you made out of fear or pain, it doesn’t get the final word. God does. And His voice is love.
Let Him speak something new over you today.
